I’ve always been a homebody. I like being home with my family and spending time with them. I’m the big sister to 8 younger siblings who each have such different personalities. I was homeschooled the entire way through school and so I’ve always been part of a close knit family. We’ve grown up knowing the importance of having a relationship with Jesus and living out His plan for our lives. My parents have been very involved in all aspects of our lives and for that I am very thankful.
Seven years ago, three weeks after my 16th birthday, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant. We didn’t know it at the time but she was pregnant with first girl in 16 years. She went through a year of surgery, chemo, and radiation. We had my first little sister join our family in that year. It was a hard year, my siblings were young and couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening. But through all the hardships it brought us closer as a family and closer to God.
It has been seven wonderful years since that diagnosis. We welcomed two more little girls into our family, a puppy, and have made a lot of memories.
Everything had been great until a couple weeks ago, when the same diagnosis came back. Seven years later… here we go again. Tears flowed before the diagnosis was even final, tears about remembering all that Mom had to go through seven years ago, and how it challenged and changed our family. Tears about an unknown future, and unknown journey that we will face.
The devastation felt when the C word is mentioned is difficult. There isn’t anyone I know who hasn’t been touched by this awful disease. The fear grips your heart, and the hopelessness creeps in.
After the first few tears, I felt the desire to praise God, to give my hurting heart to Him. After those first few moments of hopelessness, I was drawn to Him and felt His love. A few years ago I would’ve been angry and hurt and upset that God would give this to us to deal with again. But this time I felt okay with the situation. Yes I was upset, and no I didn’t understand why this was happening to us again but it was different this time. We had faced this before, we could face it again. We knew the steps of diagnosis all too well and knew that a lot of waiting and patience were needed over the next few weeks.
Being away from home during this time has been especially difficult. I just want to be the big sister to everyone and take care of things and make sure everything is taken care of. I wanted to go home right away but my parents insisted I stay and enjoy my last month here.
Life can throw us curve balls. Sometimes it’s multiple balls at once. Sometimes it seems like they’re pelting us and we can see no end. The last few weeks have been challenging to say the least. To be so far away during this time is hard on everyone.
Even though this week didn’t end the way we wanted it to.
Even though the diagnosis wasn’t good.
Even though the future is uncertain.
Even though our days are going to look much different.
Even though things aren’t working out the ways we think they should.
Even when we run out of “give” and we feel like we’re running out of hope.
Even when it gets tough.
Even when it hurts – physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
Even though you think you can’t keep doing this.
And even when we don’t feel like praising Him.
He is still God and He is still Good, and that we can be sure of.
Even though we don’t understand why this is happening again, we can be sure that this is God’s plan and He will work everything out. So we continue to praise Him, even when it doesn’t make sense. I haven’t reached the point where I can thank Him yet, I cannot physically mouth the words “Thank you God for making my mom sick again”. But I have learned to praise him in every circumstance. It’s a huge step for me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m reacting this way because I’m not directly in it, I don’t have to deal with it all the time at home. But on the other hand, I wonder if I’m reacting this way because I’ve grown and matured more, if I’ve learned to deal with the hardships of life in a way that is spiritually healthy and mature.
Either way I’m thanking Him daily for giving me peace and hope about the whole situation. Thanking Him for the little victories and every step in the right, healthy direction. It is so comforting to me to know that no matter what happens He is still God and He is still good and that is what I rest in.
~Jocelyn
